I have been having dreams about a particular actor (68 so far over a four year period) - is there a meaning behind it or is it just that he's on my mind (subconscious)?

I am a little embarrassed over these dreams - I have never met him in real life, but I've somehow managed to pull out details of his life that I shouldn't know (I spent a great deal of time avoiding him as much as possible) and that strikes me as odd. I don't want to give many details right now, but please pass on your opinion.

It strikes me as odd that you avoid someone that you have not met…and that you count your dreams.

The following letter is one that I received and answered, and her response to me. Please read it and get on with your life.

I attached my letter and your response for your reference at the end of this Email.

I just wanted to let you know ... mission accomplished! Your response and the keen observation of a friend were the missing links in my treatment of this situation. Your response was very liberating, making me feel more like the thoughts I was having weren't morally wrong (my boyfriend, now fiancée had already told me this, but I just didn't get it). And then a friend with the observation skills suggested to me that the possibility existed that I only had this "half-*ssed obsession", as she calls it, with this guy because I hadn't entirely outgrown the desire to save everyone I came across.

You know, until she put it to me this way, I didn't even realize I had this issue with respect to the "other man", although I had pinpointed it in my dealings with others in the past. Now that I think about it, it is crystal clear. I knew I was hiding something from myself, and that I was going to feel like a big dummy when I finally made sense of it, but that wasn't helping me get anywhere. I try very hard to be honest with myself, but sometimes I guess I miss stuff. I thought it was just a serious version of the Forbidden Fruit Syndrome!

My fiancée is kicking himself for not having seen this, but the way we see it, who cares, if the situation is taken care of? The resolution of this situation also strengthened my current relationship through a better understanding of it. I realized that a portion of the reason I feel such a completely perfect fit with my man (besides the fact that he's perfect for me in every other way and respects me and doesn't take me for granted and knows how to follow the golden rule, etc.) is that he *doesn't* need my help. He is my equal, and we help each other along in life. Now we have one less thing to wonder about. Everyone should be so lucky.

I am writing you this letter to thank you for your much-needed insight into my situation, but also to give you the rest of the story, in case it might help out someone who is in a similar situation, because let me tell you: when you think you're already in the perfect relationship and that there is no need to look any farther for the peace and harmony of a wondrous union, it is darned disconcerting to have a "half-*ssed obsession" with a guy who is in every way inferior. It really makes you question yourself and your motives, and when things are going well ... there's no reason for that. So, thank you, and I hope this epiphany will help someone else!

Here is the original letter:

Dear Angel
I have kind of an odd problem. I don't think it constitutes the end of the world or anything, but it has been weighing on my mind for long enough now for me to consider it ... at the very least disconcerting. I am a motivated, successful young woman (well, whatever ... I'm 26) with a bright future and a loving relationship that shows no signs of trouble or neglected need. We have both been in relationships before (I have even been married), and we are amazingly compatible. I don't know if we'll marry soon, but I don't know that it matters ... I could spend an eternity with him and never require any further expression of commitment beyond the intangible link we share. Our relationship is one of boundless friendship (we can talk about everything, and we have talked about this, but he's at a loss too), fantastic sex, unbelievable communication and remarkable security. We have never seen such unrelenting happiness and compatibility except in our parents. I know how hard we have worked to realize our dreams together and individually, and it has paid off.

But there is another man in my past. We never dated. We never even so much as kissed. I have known him for a long time, and I have been crazy about him for all of this time. I met him when I was married years ago and developed a crush, but I assumed it was just my dissatisfaction ... that it was just a little crush and that it would go away, but it still hasn't. I tried not to get too upset about it, knowing I didn't want to be with him anyway (he's too immature, has too many issues and is light years behind my boyfriend ... why would I take a step down?), but it's been all these years, and I still just can't get him out of my mind. There are no games being played here, no inappropriate behavior. But I just can't let go. I have tried everything. I have tried not interacting with him for months at a time, even years ... and then when I see him, it all comes back. I think of him every day, to the point that I wonder if something is wrong, and my psyche just isn't showing it to me. What can I do to get him out of my head? I don't even know why he's in there! Please don't worry about any silly sensitivities ... just let me know what you think. I need the straight answer. Thanks for your time and energy,

A.
There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about another person so long as you can keep it in perspective.

Many women fantasize about their doctors, lawyers, movie stars or perhaps an acquaintance from the past. It could be that your dissatisfaction in your marriage made this person look desirable at the time and now occasionally the "what if" syndrome pops up when you least expect it.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship now in that you are able to discuss your feelings with your boyfriend. If you feel you are obsessing over what might have been, then counseling will help you put this other person behind you where he belongs. You won't learn to forget him, but you can learn to put the "crush" where it belongs and just accept him as a friend.

P.S. I have had this terrible crush on Tom Selleck for years. I even have his picture on the shelf. My husband thinks it's funny and we joke about it. He knows that it is only a fantasy and that it doesn't interfere with our lives. Learn to put your "other man" on the shelf too and go on with your life.