I was signing off on a letter and had to hit the "send" button because I heard my husband wake up and I was afraid of getting caught talking about him or his family.

All I want to know is, is it normal for a man to be so committed to his family? Do all men want to spend so much time with their brothers and mothers? Is it normal that I am not allowed to discuss his family with him, even if the topic is negative?

All of our worst, longest, fights have been on topics related to all or one of them. We practically never fight about anything- ever- especially not so hateful and hurtful as when the topic has to do with his family. Then, I am always wrong, or it is my fault because I am accused of being insecure, or blah, blah, blah. But tell me, what woman wouldn't be insecure if she were not allowed to talk about her husband's family (whom he is so close to and fond of) to him or anyone else? If he always took their side and defended them and their behavior? Am I really that abnormal?

Thank you for any advice you can give.

I am married to a man who I feel is unusually, overly loyal and committed to his mother and brothers/family as opposed to me. This could become a novel if I start providing true stories to support why I feel the way I do, but maybe I can give some quick examples. Right after we were engaged nearly nine years ago, I started noticing the unusual, strong attachment to his mother. (I should probably NEVER have gone through with the wedding after all I went thru and witnessed, but stupid me did it anyway.) Every Sunday after church, it became routine to stop at his mommy's and pick her up, and we would spend the day as a threesome. Eventually I tired of it and protested, and it was stopped--but not soon enough.

When we used to go out together, I noticed he was overly attentive and protective of his mother. For example, if we went to the mall and mommy was in the back seat, she would pop out of the car and start running ahead to get inside the mall claiming that, "she didn't want to interfere with us two lovebirds." Well, my husband (then fiancé) would dive out of the car and run after her- like a baby bird after its mother- leaving me still exiting the vehicle! He never even used to look back to make sure I was coming or safe! He would behave similarly if the three of us were crossing a busy street. He would run up to mommy and grab her arm (who by the way, mommy is a VERY healthy, lively woman with no serious health problems) and tell her to be careful... as if she did not know how to cross a street or he feared losing her! But again, he never even looked back in concern for my well being.

One thing that "took the cake" was the night before our wedding. My husband has three older brothers (also mama's boys), and she had MY fiancé take her shopping the afternoon of our wedding rehearsal dinner-, which was scheduled early, that evening- and both my husband-to-be and his mother (the hostess of the dinner) didn't even show up for the dinner! They stayed out shopping until a half hour before we had to leave to get to the church for rehearsal, and ate while they were out! The "groom" did not even show for his own wedding rehearsal dinner, and I was LIVID! And all because he was out having fun with his mommy! Months later when I confronted them with this, she blamed ME because she said I should never have planned my wedding for the day after my birthday! (It happened to be the only date we could get the church to correspond with an available hall for the reception; it was not done intentionally or by choice.) She claimed the reason they were late to the rehearsal was that they were shopping for MY birthday present! Imagine that! Nothing like shopping for my birthday present the afternoon of my birthday!

Anyway, that was the past, and things have not changed much at all. He still exhibits the same, undying loyalty and devotion- not only towards his mommy- but also to his three brothers! I am not allowed to talk/complain about them to ANYONE, including him. If I complain about something one of them has done which offended or hurt me, he gets angry with me, makes excuses for their "humanness", and usually turns the blame on me! Tells me, "I am not being a Christian" or "I am just scrutinizing them, judgmental, paranoid, etc." Of course, they all sit on pedestals and can do no wrong. One time he caught me complaining about his family to a friend on the 'net in a chat room, and he told me to "get off the computer" and he locked me out of the computer room! Another time I was e-mailing a friend because I was upset with him, and I locked the door in order to have my privacy. Well, he threatened to break the door down until I opened it (I didn't want him to wake our baby who was sleeping in the next room), and told me I am not allowed to lock the door when I am on the computer! Anytime I am on the computer, he comes in the room and looks over my shoulder just to make sure I am not badmouthing him or his family. (BTW, he is sleeping right now.) Needless to say, I have no privacy on the computer. One time he intercepted one of my e-mails from a friend, who happened to be responding to something I said about his mother. Well, he forbid me from being friends with this woman, and told me he did not like her and I was not allowed to communicate with her anymore! (What she said wasn't even bad.)

We had a baby in Feb 2000. Ever since we had the baby, he always wants to do things with his mommy when he is off from work (weekends, vacation days, etc.). He claims, "she probably wants to see the kid." Well, she sees the baby more than any other relative we have, and I am getting sick and tired of seeing and spending time with his mommy every weekend just because we had a baby! We had a BIG fight yesterday, because when he recommended we invite mommy along on our afternoon plans, I objected! I asked him why him and his brothers can't tear themselves away from their mommy, and he accused me of trying to "hide the baby away from people!" Which is pure and utter rubbish! I take the baby out several times a week to malls and stores so she is exposed to people-- just not his family. She also goes to church every week with us... so how am I "hiding her from people?") He then started accusing me of all sorts of things, saying that, "I don't make his brothers/family feel welcome in our home," and I am a weirdo!

The truth is, I do not like his family and I simply tolerate his mother and brothers because I have to. I guess I resent that he treats them better than he treats me, and therefore, I do not like them. They are a threat to my marriage, and me, which is practically emotionally dead to me because of them and his feelings towards them. They do not like that I have "rules," such as I want them to call before they stop by (mommy doesn't have such rules in her house, and claims I "run my house like a prison.") Also, I didn't like them calling here at 11PM and midnight to discuss the stupidest things, so when I voiced my objections, they resented that I get mad if they telephone here after 10PM. That is why they claim they "don't feel comfortable at our house." They do not like "the rules." (Too bad.) I am not the entertaining type (hubby knew that when he married me), but now that appears to be a problem for us. He wants his family to come over more frequently, and I do not understand why they should have to! (I forgot to mention they all live within walking distance from each other and us. Another one of mommy's desires for her sons, which they carried out for her.)

Anyway, I have not even gotten into all the details of why I do not like them, but this is getting too long for you. We tried counseling years ago, but that did not work out at all! We tried a marriage retreat sponsored by the church, but that failed, too. I tried individual counseling, but quit because it literally went nowhere (counselor was horrible!). I do not know what to do anymore! Is it me?

Good grief!! And you married this man?

Everything that he put you through before the wedding should have been an indication of what your life would be like afterwards.

Please find another counselor and a good attorney. The more you complain to him, the worse the abuse will be, and yes, the way he treats you is abusive.

You have tried everything and nothing worked, so get out now. You will never have a real marriage with this man unless you give in to him and his obsessive family and are content to play second fiddle to "Mommie".

Make sure you have a good attorney that you feel comfortable with and trust because I have a feeling that they may fight you for custody of your child and you can be sure that they will make you out to be the "bad guy".
Good luck to you.