I would really appreciate your advice on this important issue. A little background: I am 25 and my significant other is 44. He and I have been together since May 1999 and are very much in love. He is has 2 children from previous relationships and I have no children. One is a daughter that is a teenager and will be ready for college in 3 years. The other (a different mother) is 6 years old and is mentally challenged and has very special needs. Both kids live with their mothers in different states but my significant other wants them to be with him and is pursuing that. He has always paid child support and makes sure he sees his kids regularly even though they are in different states. I have met both children and know that if he and I get married there is a real chance of us raising the children. My personal concerns are more geared to his mentally retarded son (his daughter is an independent teenager who will be off to college in 3 years, so his son is more of a concern to me.) Deep down (and I know this is selfish but at least I'm being honest) I feel taking care of a child with special needs would be very time consuming/ and different from taking care of a normal child. At least with a normal child, in a few years they grow to be more independent. A child with special needs will stay dependent on someone else. I fear sacrificing so much time to his child that I may never have time to have a child of my own. This scares me very much and even though I love my man, I feel this fear could end our relationship. We are speaking seriously of a future together and will start relationship counseling at our church soon. I really could use advice on this matter. I want with all my heart to be with him but I'm scared of raising his son. I feel guilty because I know that if a person really loves another then you should stand behind them no matter what. I feel my concerns are valid and honest even though they are selfish. I want peace and happiness in my life and I fear raising his son would bring heartache and stress into our lives. I am not sure how to deal with this.

Your concerns are very valid and it's wonderful that you can be honest and concerned not only for yourself, but for your future husband and his son.

Your relationship counseling through the church will help keep communication open between you and him, but more extensive professional counseling will help you understand exactly what to expect in raising a child with special needs.

The best thing to do would be to talk to the boys' doctor to find out exactly what to expect as he is growing up and also to find a doctor in your area that he would be seeing. Ask about support groups with parents raising children with special needs and talk to them.

They will appreciate your honesty and possibly help you come to a decision.

Not all people can handle going into your situation. Blessed are the people that can, and blessed are those that are honest enough to say that they cannot.