Dear Readers: I have kind of an odd problem. I don't think it constitutes the end of the world or anything, but it has been weighing on my mind for long enough now for me to consider it ... at the very least disconcerting. I am a motivated, successful young woman (well, whatever ... I'm 26) with a bright future and a loving relationship that shows no signs of trouble or neglected need. We have both been in relationships before (I have even been married), and we are amazingly compatible. I don't know if we'll marry soon, but I don't know that it matters ... I could spend an eternity with him and never require any further expression of commitment beyond the intangible link we share. Our relationship is one of boundless friendship (we can talk about everything, and we have talked about this, but he's at a loss too), fantastic sex, unbelievable communication and remarkable security. We have never seen such unrelenting happiness and compatibility except in our parents. I know how hard we have worked to realize our dreams together and individually, and it has paid off.

But there is another man in my past. We never dated. We never even so much as kissed. I have known him for a long time, and I have been crazy about him for all of this time. I met him when I was married years ago and developed a crush, but I assumed it was just my dissatisfaction ... that it was just a little crush and that it would go away, but it still hasn't. I tried not to get too upset about it, knowing I didn't want to be with him anyway (he's too immature, has too many issues and is light years behind my boyfriend ... why would I take a step down?), but it's been all these years, and I still just can't get him out of my mind. There are no games being played here, no inappropriate behavior. But I just can't let go. I have tried everything. I have tried not interacting with him for months at a time, even years ... and then when I see him, it all comes back. I think of him every day, to the point that I wonder if something is wrong, and my psyche just isn't showing it to me. What can I do to get him out of my head? I don't even know why he's in there! Please don't worry about any silly sensitivities ... just let me know what you think. I need the straight answer. Thanks for your time and energy,

There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about another person so long as you can keep it in perspective.

Many women fantasize about their doctors, lawyers, movie stars or perhaps an acquaintance from the past. It could be that your dissatisfaction in your marriage made this person look desirable at the time and now occasionally the "what if" syndrome pops up when you least expect it.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship now in that you are able to discuss your feelings with your boyfriend. If you feel you are obsessing over what might have been, then counseling will help you put this other person behind you where he belongs. You won't learn to forget him, but you can learn to put the "crush" where it belongs and just accept him as a friend.

P.S. I have had this terrible crush on Tom Selleck for years. I even have his picture on the shelf. My husband thinks it's funny and we joke about it. He knows that it is only a fantasy and that it doesn't interfere with our lives. Learn to put your "other man" on the shelf too and go on with your life.