Dear Readers: I have been married 6 years. I am 23, was married at 17 if you do the math. My husband and I knew each other for several years before we got married and had a lot of obstacles to face before it. Suffice it to say our relationship was tested and it proved true. Then he changed. I don't know what happened. I couldn't figure it out. Stress maybe from work or something more. He started staying out later and later. He works at a foundry and his shift switched back and forth from days too nights every other week, then he switched it to full nights without even asking me what I thought about it. I hate it. He leaves at 3 PM and isn't home till at least 2 am. I am asleep by then and he usually stays up till 4 am, and then sleeps in till 1 PM. that shows you how much time we have together.

He has weekends off but he usually spends it on the computer or griping about the house. On top of this I am a full house wife... he never helps and complains if I ask him to help with anything mundane, going so far as to call me moron or retarded for something I accidentally did. We have 3 kids and with him not even picking his own clothes up I have a lot to do. He refuses to understand that. Calls me lazy if everything isn't done.

He never lets me out of the house anymore, always complaining about this or that for a reason I can't go. When I say I want to go out he says go, but I can't drive and there is nowhere in this small town too go. I don't know anyone. The town has one bar and that's it and I don't drink. My friends live in the next town over and I can't go to church anymore for several reasons. When I did go to church he would complain if I went to lunch with my friends afterward. Inversely he has no problem going drinking with his friends after work, usually coming home at 4-5am when he does. He said he only goes out once a week but I catch him more then that some days. And when I complain about it he calls me a bi***. Then I met someone via the net. He contacted me for a game of chess when he was bored one day and we quickly became friends. We had a lot in common. Nearly everything. We talked for hours everyday online and on the phone. The relationship grew and he confessed he was in love with me and I him. It was a short relationship and came to a head when his wife hacked into his e-mail and found the letters. She was furious of course and said she wanted a divorce. Until the next day. Now they are trying to work out their problems and I am minus a best friend. I knew I should never have let it get as far as it did but... loneliness sometimes distorts common sense, no excuse but there it is.

And still I am here, with three kids and a husband who doesn't spend enough time or energy on us. A few people I have spoken to say I should get a divorce and strike out on my own. I couldn't do that to the kids. Or to him. It would crush him I think. No he isn't violent and we don't argue in front of the kids, most of the arguments are when they are asleep and can't hear us. There are a few times that he yells at me and the kids while they are in the room.. but for the most part he is a very good father, that is another reason I can't leave. But still I feel neglected.

First of all, don't ever believe that children are asleep and cannot hear you argue. Turn your TV up the level of your voices when you argue and go lay in their room with the door shut. They can hear every word you say and are probably listening at the door.

You say you worked out all the obstacles before you got married. He either pulled the wool over your eyes or he found a whole new set.

If you left him you would worry about your children and him? It's time for you to have some concern for yourself. No one ever has to stay with a person that is controlling and calls names.

Loneliness and verbal abuse can very definitely distort common sense and cause a bucket full of problems on top of what you are already trying to cope with.

You need to decide what you want and what you expect from your husband and then tell him.

Communication and respect for each other is most important and without it the loneliness and lack of self-esteem will cause havoc with your life.

Your children will do fine if you decide to leave. If you are happy, so are they. Staying in your situation the way it is because of the fear of hurting them will only cause them to feel that it is their fault that you are stuck. I call it the "if I didn't have kids, I would leave" syndrome. Raising children in that atmosphere would be far worse than raising them alone.