The recent tragedies in Arkansas and Colorado have caused a lot of controversies and questions. Do we blame the parents or the kids? Why did it happen and how could we have prevented it?
I think the part of the whole thing that distressed me the most was that one of the killers had parts of guns and explosives in his bedroom, in his parents house, in open view for quite some time. I believe that communication between parent and child could have prevented that disaster.
We read all the time about how to be the perfect parent, and many parents are so afraid of doing the wrong things with their children, that they do nothing at all, then wonder what has happened.
I never professed to be a perfect parent. We raised four children, and each child was different, with different needs and different insights and problems. My upbringing probably was the biggest deciding factor on how I was determined to raise my children. I was raised in an abusive atmosphere, where the one family member that I felt the closest to stayed distant for fear of retaliation from another. It took me years to overcome that, and learn and accept that it wasn't my fault. I think because of that, I was more determined to be close to my children, raise them as a family unit, and for them never to be afraid to come to me with anything for fear of retaliation. At times they have told me things that I really didn't want to hear, or things that I didn't need to know, but I was always there for my kids no matter what their problems were. In their adult years they have heard a few "yikes" and "oh my god's" from me, but they know that I will listen, and try to help them talk out their problems.
I was very fortunate to be able to stay home with my children until they were all in school. Not necessarily because I thought it would make me a better parent, but because I was unable to earn enough money to pay a sitter for four children and have any left over.
My husband was in the military for years, so we moved around a lot. I think because of our attitudes of moving as an adventure, and making new friends, it helped our children adjust to their new surroundings better.
During their younger years things went pretty smooth. I stayed involved in their lives at home and at school. One of the things they learned at an early age was not to try to play my husband and I against each other. If they wanted to do something we both had to agree. The old "yea, Dad said I could" didn't work unless I asked him first.
As the kids got older, I always enjoyed having their friends at our house, but for any extended stays at our home or at a friends, I always checked with the other parents to make sure they would be supervised. Well, I say always...one time I was working a midnight shift as a police officer, when my oldest son called and asked me if one of his friends could spend the night. I knew my husband would be home shortly so I told him yes. In the middle of the night, I received a Teletype through the department about a runaway, which turned out to be the boy staying with my son. I called the boy's parents to let them know that he was ok, and explained the situation, then got their permission for him to stay till morning so I would have a chance to talk to him. I went home and woke my son and his friend and we had a long talk. It turned out that it was just a lack of communication between them, and after listening and hearing what he had to say, I took him home, and we told his parents what he said. I sat with them for a while and listened, and after a while they really started hearing each other. I knew then that they would be okay so I left.
It always made me feel good that my children and their friends could come to me with their problems and fears. I didn't always have an answer for them, but I always listened. They were always welcomed at our house with certain restrictions. Ask before you get into the food, and clean up before you leave. When I started working, there were only one or two of their closest friends that were allowed in the house while we were gone.
Working the hours that we did it was hard to keep the house up, so our children were assigned chores that rotated each week. Homework and chores were done or privileges were denied.
Another thing that we demanded, yes demanded, from our children was respect for us. Our children do not to this day, back talk or sass us. Not out of fear, but out of respect.
Before you start thinking that I had the perfect little family, I'll tell you again, there isn't such a thing. Our youngest son was "hyper" with a constant attitude problem. We went to several counselors with him, only to be told that he was just "hyper" and that we would have to learn to deal with it. Today he would be diagnosed with (and has been) ADD-HD and bi-polar. That is a different column that I'll address at a later date. We went through many years of drugs with him and I always used to wonder what I did wrong as a parent. I had a very good friend that introduced me to Alanon and helped me to understand that his actions were not my fault.
Because of our closeness and good communication, I was able to tell something was terribly wrong, and yes, I did constant searches of his bedroom, and tried every avenue of communication available to me to figure out what the problem was. I knew it was drugs, but couldn't prove it. One day I did find the drugs in his bedroom and we confronted him. At that time he was 18 and very disruptive and negative, and we told him to leave the house until he decided to get off the drugs. A couple of weeks later he was arrested for possession and agreed to go into re-hab.
After 30 days and coming back home "rehabilitated" and on probation, we found out that he was still using drugs. The hardest thing for us to accept was that we could no longer do anything for him, except refuse to enable his habit, and we asked him to leave again.
It took several years of jail, a short time in prison and living on the streets, for him to call us for help. We were very fortunate, because so many kids don't make it back. He has done a total turn around, is married, with children and has a good job. He is also in counseling and takes his medication.
We went through some drug experimentation with the other kids also. They could never understand how I could tell when they were using drugs. I think because of the closeness and communication that I had with them, I could tell when something was wrong. My oldest daughter would get very moody and not care about anything, and my oldest son would get real wide-eyed and happy-go-lucky.
There have been many other things with our family, but as a close family unit, we have helped each other. I have never TOLD my children the way things should be, but instead, advised them of what I felt was right. What they did with that advice was up to them. They still come to me for advice and sometimes they even listen. What is right for me, may not be right for them, but talking things out with someone that truly listens always puts a better perspective on things.
The best advice that I can give parents, is to listen to your children, hear what they are saying. Martina McBride has a song out now titled, "I know you can hear me, but I'm not sure your listening." I can not stress enough, communication, communication, and communication. When you notice changes in your children, investigate, and hopefully we can prevent some of the violence.
I would like to include some suggestions to improving the supervision of our children, courtesy of Marc Charbonnet, LMSW-ACP, licensed psychotherapist, who specializes in children, teen, family and education issues.
1. Know the parents of the children your child spends time with away from your home.
2. Have routine contact with those parents regarding the relationship between your children and their children.
3. Make sure your child is "hanging out" at your house at least as much as others' houses.
4. Become familiar with your child's room.
5. Get interested in your child's life by asking questions. Most children value your attempts at connection even if they call you "lame" to their friends.
6. Do not be afraid to parent your children. That is, set rules and expect them to be followed. They may resist at first if this has been previously lacking, but be persistent.
7. If you are routinely arguing with your children over these issues, you may need to speak with a professional. You'll likely recognize if you are not making progress.
8. Know what your child is doing at school. Routinely talk to teachers about your child.
These are only a few suggestions. There are many more. Just get involved in their lives. Your children need the guidance. They need your presence as a moral force in their decision making in the way they conduct their lives. Don't send your children the message that nothing can be done to change the way things are.
In just a few days after the most recent shootings, over fifty plans to carry out similar acts were discovered across the country and stopped before tragedy struck. All it took was awareness with involvement.
Was I the perfect parent? There is no such thing.
If I could it over, would I do things different with my children? Probably yes, a few things. But I did the very best that I knew how at the time, and I stayed involved with my children, and communicated with them. Experience is the best teacher, and now I feel it is an honor to be able to share what I have learned, with my grandchildren, and the people that read my column.
